Hello, I am the one who was called faketuna.
If you see this blog before the 13th, you’ll know about the later date first. Well, that’s okay.
Assumptions
It does not die in real life. Only “faketuna” will die, but the people in it will continue to live. LOL, Please don’t kill me.
Also my English skill is not decent, so some words sentences are inaccurate.
The original post is Japanese, So if you met a non understandable words or sentences, please use Translator like DeepL, ChatGPT to Japanese post and understand.
Summary
The ratio of real life to the internet was clearly out of whack, and I needed to do something about it because if I didn’t do something about it, I would seriously not be able to reintegrate into society.
And this happened because of my dependence/obsession to others (of course there are other factors, but this is the biggest one). I kept telling myself that this was my only chance to relate to others, and kept turning away from other priorities.
Because who wants to be alone?
But I realized, I’m always running away to the place I can return to, a warm place when a little bit of pain things happen. I had become too vulnerable to the kindness of others.
So I thought. “If I don’t do this, it’s really not good for me”.
Therefore, take that step. To take the steps I had stopped taking. I had to break what I had and let go of what was stopping me.
But if I didn’t do this, I would have run away very quickly. It was necessary to break and block the place of escape so that I would not be able to escape.
Also, you want people to remember you, don’t you? But please forget me. And when you meet another me someday, when I come to see you all, please remember me.
What is a curse?
I don’t know what to call it, so for convenience, I use “curse” and “salvation” to describe it.
I was a person who was obsessed with people. That obsession is a kind of curse and salvation.
obsession was both a way of satisfying and destroying one’s mind at the same time.
Why didn’t you just go away silently?
Well, to be honest, I think it would be better if I just shut up and go away. I think you are absolutely right when you say that I should go away without worrying people unnecessarily.
However, I don’t want people to speculate about it, and since it may or may not be the first and last time it happens, I thought it would be interesting to leave a big mark on the world… So I did it.
The story
I started diving this electronic ocean in 2016 (around 2015/09 to be exact).
Well, at first I really deserved to be called a little shit, annoying everyone around me. Well, this is a story for another time, so I hope we can talk about it another time.
2018
I met the X in 2018. But if this was going to happen, we probably should not have met.
2019 - 2022
I enjoyed being with X. I was happy.
About 2023/05
One day X and a mutual friend invited me to join VRChat. I still vividly remember how much fun it was to interact with people from foreign country and experience things that are only possible in VR.
2024/02
Over time, I learned about the culture of sugar (In japanese “osatō”). And then I thought, “If I had this, I can be get closer to X… I can be together more.” I thought. I felt.
I don’t have a father. So I guess I wanted to be spoiled by an older man like X.
Then I applied to X. The answer was OK. I wanted to be with X. But I should not have stayed.
Second half of 2024/04
I now know the answer to my own sense of discomfort that I have been carrying with me ever since I started diving into the sea of the Internet.
It is an obsession to others.
In this case, it is an obsession with X.
I was convinced that this was a problem I could not solve on my own.
I want to be with X, even if I have to put everything aside, including real life. That’s what I think.
And I thought that I, who am incapable of solving the problem on my own but not good at relying on others, might have to part ways with the past with slashing the my all of relationship sharply and rough, on 2024/09. Because september is the month that I have started diving into this electronic ocean.
At this point, it was still a thin idea, about 5 if you really want to express it in terms of 0 ~ 100.
2024/05
I found the answer to my discomfort and since it was the second anniversary of my composition, I wrote a song about one of the answers.
There was a part where the past and present songs were mixed together, wasn’t there? I was making fun of the fact that I still regretted and clung to the past and the present. A song is a good thing. It carries the author’s emotions.
2024/06
I met a boy on VRChat. He was walking a similar path to the one I was on.
I don’t think these similarities should be approached in the first place. Negative * Negative does not equal to Positive. I think it will only have a negative effect on the other person.
2024/07
But I was wondering if I could come up with even a handful of solutions from an objective standpoint… So I decided to get involved with the boy.
2024/08
But I don’t want the boy to go down the same path as me. I thought it would not be good if things continued as they were, so I decided to do what I had planned to do in September, which was to disappear.
How selfish. I guess I will run away from the problem again. But I am such a me, too. So I want this to be the last time I do that.
2024/09
Well, this is the month when the video letter, the last song, and this article will be left and nothing else will remain.
I chose September because it was nine years ago now that I started diving into this ocean called the Internet as Key_Glass.
Isn’t it beautiful that the beginning and the end are at the same month and day? It’s as if there was a predetermined period of time that I could live as that existence.
To be honest, there may have been a better way. However, I have never been good at relying on others… I have been thinking, thinking, thinking alone for a long time, and this is the result of that thinking, so I think I did the best I could do.
2024/09 ~
I am sure I will come back to this ocean. The dream of the Internet is an ideal world for me, because I am very comfortable with it.
But when I come back, my mental are not so thick that I can come back as faketuna…
So I am sure that I will dive back into this electronic ocean as another being, another faketuna.
About the last song
I posted my WIP on Twitter, but I have confidence about they wouldn’t never have guessed it was for this.
To part with my current faketuna, I wanted to leave the best songs and the best footprints for myself.
Isn’t it amazing? I used to do it all the time. No matter what anyone says.
Finally, I will be free from the curse of being dependent on others’ evaluation of me, and will be able to evaluate myself on my own.
Finally
People who have been involved with me. People who have been good to me. I really, really appreciate it.
It honestly pains me to know that I will be leaving without being able to repay your kindness in any way.
But now is a chance. I can change myself. I have made up my mind. Now is the time.
At any rate, now is about 10 years that I have turned my back on. It’s time to pay back that debt. Maybe for a day. Maybe a month. Maybe a year. Maybe a never. You and even me never know when will get it back.
But I promise you. I will come back to you all again. As another being, as another faketuna.
Well, time has come. Thank you so much. See you soon!
A kind of reincarnation in the sea of electrons, and if you should meet me again in that finite, short, but long time, I would say “nice to meet you again”.